Brian shows up, walking through the courtyard. He’s drinking amassi.
BRIAN
Zoey, Alex hey what’s up!? You gotta try this stuff.
ALEX
What is it?
BRIAN
WHAT is AMASI? ONLY the best probiotic drink IN THE WORLD!
ALEX
Really?
BRIAN
And guess what? Those little moo moo mamas munchin’ on that alfalfa all damn day ......
ALEX
Alfalfa? (Sarcastic) Sounds delicious!
BRIAN
At least it’s healthy you can tell by it’s name
ZOEY
If it helps with PMS, hook me up!
BRIAN
If you’re serious, I could put an order into my upline distributor?
ZOEY
You fucking drug dealer!
BRIAN
Got to make the money somehow. Can’t sell crack no mo.
(I’m a thug plays in the background.)
BRIAN (CONT’D)
So y’all want to come with me the bootie tree? It’s the best book store in all the land.
ZOEY
I’m feeling down.
BRIAN
You’ve got to go to bootie tree books! They have all the answers.
ZOEY
Do They have answers for charlatans?
BRIAN
Oh yeah! Fakes, frauds, all are welcome at bootie tree books! Wait till you meet my friend Rainwater Johnson! He’s teaching a seminar on uni vibrational cleasning of the auras.
ALEX
Sounds deep.
ZOEY
O.k........
BRIAN
Don’t knock it till you try it. My auras were so weighted down by gunk that Rainwater nearly had a stroke when he was working on me. You both need all the help you can get. OTR may be your foundation for healing but let Rainwater pour his blessing upon you! Tonight!
CUT TO:
INT.
Brian’s Car. A beat up old convertible. Zoey is in the passenger seat, Alex is in the back. He starts up the car and kirtan music plays loudly. Brian joyfully sings along. On red lights a scroll falls from his sun visor and he begins chanting NAM MYOHO REGNGE KYO. When he begins driving he stops chanting and sings along with the music. Zoey and Alex glance at each other.
BRIAN
This car runs on extra virgin olive oil.
ZOEY
Is that why it smells like french bread in here?
BRIAN
Mon Favorite, mon cherie. No seriously kids, no dyno gas in this guzzler.
Then at a stop light there is a dual between Brian and a carload of 6 hip hoppers who are blasting Holla by busta rhymes. He is singing along with his Kirtan, and the driver of the other car keeps bumping “holla.” It turns out that the Kirtan Brian is singing is the same as the harmonizing instrumental in Holla. Brian and Hiphop man admire each other.
BRIAN (CONT’D)
See, our auras are aligned. Two drivers on the same wheel........but in different cars. (They flash each other signs.)
CUT TO
Int
Bootie Tree Bookstore. Brian, Zoey, and Alex are hovered over a stack of books, sitting on a padded bench in the back of the store. We see titles of books like “failing is success.” Zoey is thumbing through a small book called “AMBITCHOUS: How i went from ..... To ...... in five weeks.” Brian is laying down reading a book called “ZERO EFFORT.” Alex is reading “Positive MENtal attitudes- aphorisms for enlightened males.” The Clerk interrupts them.
CLERK
Rainwater is ON in five minutes! You guys better get your asses into the seminar for some craycray enightenment!
Cut to
INT. BOOTIE TREE SEMINAR ROOM
Rainwater is in a trance. He takes a deep breath. CLERK comes and introduces him.
CLERK
I would like to welcome everybody here to the bootie tree seminar annex room. We are lucky and priviledged to have with us tonight, the elevated master, RAINWATER JOHNSON. (Applause.) Rainwater was Ordained as a spiritual leader at the age of TWO MONTHS.
BRIAN
(Whispering to Zoey and Alex) You guys are in for the ride of your life! Don’t worry, you can thank me later.
CLERK
RAINWATER
(To the crowd.) I’m going to be doing what some call my algorithm of aura gazing. (His eyes grow wide.)
