rockrollrehab

ROCK AND ROLL REHAB BY JEREMY FERRICK AND BATYA BEZALEL
EXT: LOS ANGELES DAY. WE SEE A MONTAGE OF WEST LOS ANGELES, MAINLY SANTA MONICA AND VENICE, PARTIALLY THROUGH THE EYES OF ALEX BROWN AS HE IS RIDING THE BLUE BUS TO GET HOME FROM HIS JOB AT ST. VINCENT’S HIGH AND ZOEY LEVINE AS SHE IS RIDING HOME ON THE BLUE BUS FROM HER JOB AT CITY HALL. WE CUT IN WITH SCENES OF THE BOARDWALK, STREET PERFORMERS, THE PROMENADE, THE SKATEPARK, OPEN MIKES AT THE UNURBAN, ALEX GIGGING IN HIS BAND, ETC.ON PEOPLES SHIRTS THROUGHOUT THE MOVIE CREDITS ARE WRITTEN ALEX GETS OFF THE BUS AND WALKS TOWARD THE BUNGALOW IN SANTA MONICA THAT HE SHARES WITH ZOEY. CUT TO:
INT. ALEX AND ZOEY’S APT. IT’S MESSY, AND ZOEY OPENS UP THE FRIDGE AS ALEX WALKS IN.
ZOEY
Goddamn it, Alex. Did you drink all my almond milk again?
ALEX
(Thumbing through the mail, dismissive. He comes across a piece that catches his interest) Cool!
ZOEY
I mean at least you can throw out the carton when you’re done with it. Is that too much to ask?
ALEX
It’s really that big of a deal to you?
ZOEY
For a moment I think there’s gonia be something left(She mocks pouring it into a cup.)
ALEX
(Gesturing with his hand) Talk to the hand girlfriend!
ZOEY
And then drip, drip, drip- it’s just like our relationship! There used to be something here and now there’s nothing!

ALEX
Hasn’t it been like that for a while? I mean we’ve been broken up for a whole year now.
ZOEY
Maybe my therapist was right. Maybe I shouldn’t be living with my ex boyfriend.
ALEX
Good luck finding a roommate that’ll put up with your shit.
ZOEY
Ditto!
ALEX
Look, creep! (Shows her an envelope that says PROBLEMS in big lettering.)
ZOEY
Oh my god! Give that to me! (She is trying to grab it from him, and he mocks giving to her then pulls it away.) That’s for the talk show hosting dysfunctional couples like us! (He gives it to her.) I’m trying to get us on! We could make some big money!
ALEX
Well open it up player!
ZOEY
(She rips it open and reads.) You and your special someone have been selected to audition for the new show “problems” at DIY TV studios in Hollywood!
ALEX
When is it?
ZOEY
Next sunday! 2 o’clock! Don’t fuck it up! And we gotta act like we don’t get along.
ALEX
(Sarcastic) Oh that’ll be really hard. Method acting, here we come.
ZOEY
Wanna play some chess?
ALEX
Sure. You ready to get your butt kicked?
CUT TO:
EXT. SANTA MONICA CITY HALL WHERE ZOEY WORKS. CUT TO:
INT. CITY HALL, IN THE PERMIT ROOM. ZOEY IS FILING PERMITS INTO A CABINET. FATIQUAH, HER SUPERVISOR, APPEARS FROM BEHIND. SHE IS A SOUTHERN WHITE WOMAN WHO LOVES HIP HOP AND IS DRESSED IN BRIGHT COLORS, HAS A NECKLACE OF AFRICA AND HER HAIR IN CORNROWS.
FATIQUAH
You heard about the state budget cuts, right?
ZOEY
It’s pretty bad isn’t it?
FATIQUAH
(Waving her arms back and forth) Honey, you don’t even want to know!
ZOEY
You’re right. I don’t want to know.
FATIQUAH
All I can say is this REcession is giving me a DEpression, and a headache to boot! (Feels her forehead.) I think I need an advil.
ZOEY
I’m not feeling so hot myself. (Pause) Fatiquah, do you mind if I head out a few minutes early? I’ve been working my behind off all day!
FATIQUAH:
Honey, you want to leave early, I ain’t gonia tell NOBODY.
INT. ALEX’S CLASSROOM- STUDY HALL AT ST. VINCENT’S HIGH SCHOOL. ALEX, A 30 YEAR OLD MALE, IS SITTING AT HIS DESK READING A BOOK BY PATTON OSWALD. WE SEE A JUVENILE DELINQUENT GETTING A SPIT BALL READY IN HIS MOUTH. HE SPITS IT THROUGH A STRAW AND IT WINDS UP ON ALEX’S CHIN. ALEX LOOKS UP FROM HIS BOOK. HE IS JUST A LITTLE BIT ANNOYED, BUT STOICALLY WIPES THE SPITBALL OFF HIS FACE AND STANDS UP.
ALEX
(To the class.) Wow, that was really funny. (Recovering his pride through sarcasm.) I am so impressed by your intelligence!
SCHOOLGIRL # 1
(Whispering to girl #2) I think he’s cute.
ALEX
Who said that? Who thinks I’m “cute?” I don’t care about the spit wad, but I do want to know who said that.
GIRL #2 POINTS AT GIRL # 1 WHO WIDENS HER EYES AND CUPS HER MOUTH SURPRISED.
ALEX
(In his best Elvis voice) Honey, you’re WAY too young for me.
THE SONG BAD TO THE BONE BLASTS AND THE BELL RINGS. ALL OF THE KIDS FILE OUT OF CLASS.
INT. PRINCIPLE’S OFFICE ST. VINCENT’S HIGH. ALEX IS IN SHADES SITTING IN A PRIVATE MEETING WITH THE PRINCIPLE, WHO IS A LARGE AFRICAN AMERICAN NAMED MARSHAUNE FISHER. PHIL HAS HIS IPHONE OUT AND IS SCANNING THROUGH IT, AND NOTICES SOMETHING IN THE CORNER OF HIS EYE.
MARSHAUNE
(Peering.) Looks like you’ve got something on your chin.
ALEX
(Scraping the rest of the wad off his chin.) Oh, I thought I got this off. Kids these days, huh? Well….. we used to do the same thing back in the day.
MARSHAUNE
(Lowering his glasses.) We DID, did we? (Pause.) So, Alex. You know I would LOVE to give you that summer school position but Jim Gordon is next in line. And he is a bit more of a strict disciplinarian, which we sorely need at this juncture. And, by the way, you look like you could use a vacation.
ALEX
But I need money desperately!
MARSHAUNE
Go to Vegas and play the slots! Empty out your piggy bank, maybe you’ll get lucky! Did you hear that I hit the jackpot over new years eve? Look! (He pulls out a picture of himself surrounded by 2 bimbos and a large check that says 5,000 dollars on it.) Five G’s man! (He slaps Alex on the back.) That’s more then you’d make all summer anyways!
ALEX
Yeah, but there’s no guarantee I’ll win five thousand dollars!
MARSHAUNE
(Reminiscing) They wanted to give me a free dinner, but I got the hell out of there before I spent my wad! (Punching Alex on the shoulder playfully.) Now, you get the hell out of here and have a great Summer! Trust me- (Looks around) You’ll thank me later!

CUT TO:
INT. DIY TV PRODUCTION OFFICES
ZOEY AND ALEX ARE IN A PRODUCTION OFFICE ACROSS THE TABLE FROM A FEMALE CASTING AGENT.
CASTING AGENT
So how long have you two been going out?
ALEX
Well, it’s hard to say.
ZOEY
(Grabbing his hand) Honey, it was just one year ago when you took me to see your band, remember? We’ve been going out ever since then, so one year.
ALEX
(Stumbling) Oh yeah, that sounds about right.
CASTING AGENT
Perfect! 9 months is the minimum. (Pause) So What is your PROBLEM? (She points to a billboard advert for the show which shows different couples shouting, in various forms of distress, etc. and it says the word PROBLEMS on it.)
ALEX AND ZOEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT.
ZOEY
Well, he leaves his socks on the couch. He…..doesn’t do the dishes, he….picks his nose hairs, and is ALWAYS behind on the rent.
ALEX
Basically, I’m a (he does the quote thing with his fingers) slacker, and she doesn’t like that.
ZOEY
And neither does my father! That’s another thing! He never comes to any of my family functions!
ALEX
You mean your family dysfunctions?
CASTING AGENT
Well, looks like we’ve got PROBLEMS! (Points to another brand of the show’s poster while Alex and Zoey smile at each other knowingly.) Now Alex, what are your problems with Zoey?
ALEX
Let’s see- (counts on his fingers) she’s a chronic complainer, a hypochondriac, and a pain in the ass to live with.
CASTING AGENT
So, then why do you guys continue to live together?
ALEX
I can’t afford to live alone!
CASTING AGENT
Good Reason! I think it’s time for the SCREEN TEST!
INT. PRODUCTION COORDINATOR’S ROOM. ZOEY AND ALEX ARE IN A LARGER ROOM AND IN FRONT OF A VIDEO CAMERA WHICH IS ON A TRIPOD. THE PC, DAVID, WHO IS ABOUT 25 AND CLEAN CUT WITH A SPORTS ANNOUNCER VOICE, TURNS ON THE CAMERA. MARTY’S DIALOGUE IS ONE LONG VOICEOVER.

MARTY
So how is it going Zoey? Alex? What brings you to our show PROBLEMS?
ALEX
The promise of 500 bucks if we get on! (Zoey shoots him a dirty look.)
MARTY
So you’re in it for the money? At least you’re being honest! Not like I haven’t heard that before!
ALEX
So how do you get a job like this anyway? Doing what you do? It seems pretty fun!
MARTY
Well, I had to sleep with the producer which sucks because I’m not gay! Just kidding. So, Zoey, let’s start with you- what was your last argument with Alex?
ZOEY
Let’s see. A few days ago, he got really offended when I suggested that he has a really bad case of arrested development.
ALEX
Just because she prefers to date men that qualify for the senior discount! Except for me, of course.
ZOEY
Well older men have class and what can I say? I like a man knows how to take care of a woman!
MARTY
I hear that! No money no honey as they say!
(In his pressure cooker radio sportscaster voice) So Alex here is pressured to give up his bohemian lifestyle and Zoey is high maintenance! Not like we haven’t heard that before, I mean that’s pretty typical right? Do you have anything more dramatic to tell me? Something that is good for television, like I don’t know, bank robberies, drug habits, etc.
ALEX
Well, when my back went out on me she did steal a couple of Vicodin from me.
MARTY
That’s not really big news. (Lowers his voice a little) We want to captivate the audience- you know, like cheating, blackmail, entertaining stuff like that.
Alex and Zoey draw a blank.
MARTY (CONT’D)
Well listen- if we need you we’ll call you, okay?
INT. Lobby of DIY T.V. Studios
ZOEY
I came to this town to be Meryl Streep and I can’t even get on a local access talk show! And you can’t act worth A shit! You can’t even tell a damn little white lie!
ALEX
Hey, I’m not the AC-TOR! And what was that stuff about your dad? You haven’t seen him over a decade.
ZOEY
Yeah, it was a little dishonest, I guess. Whatever!
JOHNNY CHICKEN, A MUSICIAN FROM NEW ORLEANS WITH A PUNK ROCK HAIRDO AND HIS ROCKER GIRLFRIEND COME OUT OF THE BUILDING.
JOHNNY CHICKEN
Whooooo hooooo! Way to go baby girl! (Gives her a kiss.) 500 bucks honey! Now I have some more dough to blow! Lets go play some rock and roll! (He throws his drumsticks into the air then catches them.)
ALEX
You play drums!?
JOHNNY CHICKEN
Sure man! I’m the most wicked drummer in the west! Straight off the boat from New Orleans- I rock out at this rehab, they’ve got some musicians there that be OFF THE CHAIN! The place is officially called Pacific Oasis! (Secretively) But everyone knows it as (Whispering excitedly) Rock and Roll Rehab!
ZOEY
Sounds fun!
JOHNNY CHICKEN
It’s the best! Sort of like the music of Elvis, Led Zeppelin, and the Beatles, with a little bit of Oprah’s psychology thrown in for good measure!
ZOEY
Speaking of Oprah, (She looks at her watch.) It’s quarter to O! (Her watch has a picture of Oprah on the 4.) We gotta run so we don’t miss her!
JOHNNY CHICKEN
Hold up honey! The housing is free, and the food is off DA HOOK! They even give my dog his own little room! (His dog barks- it’s a tiny pomaranian with a matching punk rock hair do.)
ALEX
Sounds cool!
JOHNNY CHICKEN
(Gives Alex his card.) Well, here’s my card if y’all ever want to come guest- jam, I’ll come pick you up. You’ll be in for the ride of your life!
INT ZOEY AND ALEX’S APT.
ALEX IS SITTING ON THE COUCH STRUMMING HIS GUITAR. ZOEY TURNS ON THE T.V. THE SHOW AN OPRAH RERUN OF VALERIE BERTENELLI TALKING ABOUT DRUGS AND ROCK MUSIC. ZOEY AND ALEX LOOK AT EACH OTHER SURPRISED. ALEX GRABS THE REMOTE AND TURNS UP THE VOLUME. THEY LISTEN IN FOR A MINUTE.
ALEX
I want to jam out tonight! You’ve been wanting to sing for a band for ages! We can go check out that rehab, see if what that Johnny guy said is really true…..!
ZOEY
Yeah, but it’s a rehab center! Why don’t you just go down to the Talking Stick instead?
ALEX
I’ve already done the coffee house circuit. I want to play with some serious ‘lifers.’ Usually those guys just happen to be druggies!
ZOEY
You’ve got a point there! Look at Van Halen! That band is my favorite, and they’re not exactly known for being tee- totalers.
ALEX
Now you’re talking. So why don’t you come with me? Are you just a bit too square?
ZOEY
There might be some cute guys there. Let me get ready.
ALEX
You wouldn’t mind dating a druggy?
ZOEY
They’re in rehab! They’re getting clean!
ALEX
Whatever floats yer yacht.
EXT. PACIFIC OASIS DRUG REHAB FACILITY. THERE IS A SIGN THAT READS “WELCOME TO PACIFIC OASIS.” WE HEAR THE JAM SESSION GOING ON INSIDE. INT. P.O. REC ROOM ALEX AND ZOEY WITNESS AN AMAZING JAM SESSION- JOHNNY IS ROCKING THE DRUMS WITH THE BAND. EVERYONE IS SPIRITED, DANCING IN AISLES, ETC. AT THE END THERE IS A TALK WITH THE LEADER, AND FOUNDER OF P.O., DR. SEAN MARRS. BRIAN WALKS BY ALEX AND ZOEY AS HE’S CHEWING ON A CHICKEN LEG.
BRIAN
Hey, there’s a free meal, want to get some grub?
INT. P.O. DINING AREA. ALEX AND ZOEY ARE SEATED ACROSS FROM BRIAN, WHO IS TALKING A MILE PER MINUTE.
BRIAN
So, I graduated last year, got my 9 month sobriety chip- I could have given birth by now- (Chuckles) But I came back here for a visit. I’m going to school full time now. I’m hoping to become a PR consultant but right now I come here to see old friends, eat food, and attend a 12 step here and there. Once you decide to remain clean, it’s really important to keep up on the meetings. So, are you trying to get the monkey off your back too?
ZOEY
I have a really bad addiction to chocolate.
BRIAN
Soooo you’re in a place of denial, that’s what it sounds like to me. Watch out! Because anger comes next! (A beat.) Anyways...., what do you guys like to do for fun?
ZOEY
We’re musicians!
BRIAN
You were creative types usually have substance abuse problems. That could be a great distraction for you when you’re trying to get clean. Just play lots of music!
ALEX
Hey, how much money does it cost to stay here?
BRIAN
Money? This place isn’t called ‘Pacific Oasis’ for nothing!
ALEX
I’ve been looking for a place to call my home!
BRIAN
You came to the right place! By the way, are you gonna eat your broccoli?
ALEX
You want it? (Brian nods, so he gives it to him. Brian shovels it down his throat.)
BRIAN
Thanks- these are my green buds now! Anyway, it was a pleasure meeting the both of you. I got a part time job working at the Marina, down on the docks (He does a little impersonation of somebody picking up boxes and throwing them) – a little blue collar work will keep you disciplined! Don’t shun labor young man!
INT. P.O. ROCKIN’ RUBEN, A 40 SOMETHING FORMER RESIDENT OF P.O. AND CURRENT TAXI DRIVER AND FRIEND OF BRIAN’S IS WAITING ON THE STEPS. ALEX, ZOEY AND BRIAN COME WALKING OUT.
ROCKIN’ RUBEN
Jazzy B! You need a ride somewhere!?
BRIAN
Rockin’ Ruben, where ya been?
ROCKIN’ RUBEN
Gotta make that cheese-it’s a busy season! I’m running around like a rat on a wheel, no worries though. I ain’t got no time to lay about. I’m Rockin’ Ruben! Roll the dice! Pacific Oasis all my friends get half price!
BRIAN
When we going to Vegas, Ruben?
ROCKIN’ RUBEN
Not til Chanukah, dude, then I’ll be ready to spin the golden Dreydl.
BRIAN
Hey, meet my new green buds Alex And Zoey!
ROCKIN’ RUBEN
Enchanted to meet you young birds! I’m your rock and roll driver, ain’t just no 9 to 5er. Call me anytime 24-7 I guarantee a sober taxi cab ride to a substance free heaven. Lordy, lordy, I have found my new drug of choice and it’s called Kombucha! (He pulls out a green bottle and sips from it.)
CUT TO:
INT. ZOEY AND ALEX’S APT. ALEX OPENS A PIECE OF MAIL AND READS IT.
ALEX
Uh oh, Check this out!
ZOEY
What?(Grabs the mail from him and reads it.) What the hell! They’re raising the rent of our apartment! It’s gonna be another 200 bucks per month!
ALEX
Well I can barely afford it as it is! What ever happened to rent control? That rehab doesn’t seem like such a bad place to live after all!
ZOEY
What are you talking about? You can’t even pop an aspirin! Those people are addicts!
ALEX
Time to put those acting classes to work! I can pretend!
ZOEY
You can’t be serious!
ALEX
Times are tough Zoe! Traumatic times require drastic measures!
ZOEY
So you’re thinking about moving out?
ALEX
Well come on, this place isn’t even worth what we pay now! Forget another 200 bucks more!
CUT TO: COCKROACH ON THE FLOOR.
ALEX (CONT’D)
Well look who showed up for lunch!
ZOEY
Oh, that’s gross Alex! Just kill it.
ALEX
Kill it? It could be a reincarnation of Kafka, for all I know.
ZOEY
Well do something useful and at least take it outside!
ALEX
(Whispering softly to the cockroach.) Here Franz, I’m taking you back to the Czech Republic! It’s changed a lot since the iron curtain came down- you’re in for quite the metamorphisis!
(AS ALEX GRABS COCKROACH AND OPENS THE DOOR TO CHUCK HIM OUT, JOHNNY CHICKEN DRIVES BY IN HIS YELLOW CHICKEN CADILLAC- HE HONKS THE HORN, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A CHICKEN BOK.)
JOHNNY CHICKEN
Hey dude, you wanna come jam today? You can bring your lady friend!
ALEX
What time?
JOHNNY CHICKEN
No time like the present! Can that chick sang?
ZOEY
(Pops her head out) Hell honeychild! I was born to sing!
JOHNNY CHICKEN
Perfect! We’ve been looking for a background singer.
ZOEY
I’m not A background singer. I’m a front woman.
JOHNNY CHICKEN
Even better! You sound like a lady with soul! Way to go Mrs. Southern Comfort!
ALEX COMES OVER. HE HAS GOTTEN HIS GUITAR AND IS READY TO GO.
ALEX
Shotgun.
JOHNNY CHICKEN
The lady gets front seat, L.A. Boy. Sit in the back and show a little chivalry to the madame. (Zoey and Johnny wink at each other.) That’s the way us southern boys operate.
THE POMERANIAN WITH A PUNK ROCK HAIRDO STARES FROM THE BACK SEAT NEAR ALEX, AND LETS OUT A GROWL.VISUAL OF CAR GOING THROUGH L.A. WE HEAR JEREMY FERRICK’S SONG “ZAKARA AND OCEAN”.
CUT TO:
INT. P.O.A REC. ROOM. ZOEY SINGS THE SONG “TO LOVE SERVE AND REMEMBER” WITH THE BAND. PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE ARE EMOTIONAL. THERE IS A STANDING OVATION AT THE END, AS ZOEY ACKNOWLEDGES THE CROWD WITH A BOW.
CUT TO:
INT.CITY HALL, THE NEXT MORNING.
FATIQUAH
Girlfriend, we need to have us a meeting.
ZOEY
Bout what?
FATIQUAH
You hungry? (Zoey nods.) Let’s do lunch.
ZOEY
OK!
CUT TO:
INT. LITTLE WING’S RESTAURANT. ZOEY AND FATIQUAH SIT TOGETHER. WING, A FLAMBOYANT KEN JEONG TYPE IS THE WAITER AND OWNER OF THE RESTAURANT.
FATIQUAH
Can you bring us some sweet and sour wings please?
WING
(Rapping to drum beat) All the ladies call me Sweet Wing, never sour! I really like your earrings...baby- They give you power! I take you downtown baby, Sweet Wing buy you Bling Bling! Sweet Wing buy you Bling Bling! Sweet Wing buy you Bling Bling!
FATIQUAH
Honey, I’m about ready to pull out my calender and pencil you in, but right now I have a very important meeting. (Whispering) But let’s talk later. (Hands him her business card. He runs off giggling.)(To Zoey) Zoey-Honey, I know your pay was cut nearly in half. You’ve suffered a lot and I hate to be the bearer of bad news.
ZOEY
Am I getting laid off?
FATIQUAH
(Tearfully) Baby, it wasn’t my decision to make, but yes.
ZOEY
I know it’s not your fault, but what am I going to do now? My rent is increasing, and my roommate is thinking about moving into a rehab center.
FATIQUAH
I didn’t realize your boyfriend was a junkie.
ZOEY
First of all, he’s not my boyfriend any more. Second of all, he’s not a junkie, he just doesn’t have any money.
FATIQUAH
If you don’t mind me asking, what are you doing shacking up with your broke ass ex boyfriend?
ZOEY
He’s also my roommate. And he used to pay the rent on time.
FATIQUAH
Isn’t that interfering with your sex life?
ZOEY
What sex life?
FATIQUAH
Whoop, there it is. Honey, you need to come clubbing with the sisters sometime find you a big black man to take care of yo sexy ass.
ZOEY
That might not be such a bad idea! (They slap hands and do a “whoop whoop.”)
INT. ZOEY AND ALEX’S APARTMENT, NEXT MORNING.
ZOEY
So have you decided what you’re going to do next month regarding housing?
ALEX
I’m on the fence right now- I’ll decide in a couple days.
ZOEY
Try to come up with a decision because soon I need to know.
ALEX
A-OK.(Flips open the paper to the comics.)
ZOEY
Are you still thinking about living in that rehab?
ALEX
So it doesn’t seem so crazy now huh?
ZOEY
To Tell you the truth Alex, I just got laid off.
ALEX
Well, I guess I’m not the only slacker in town.
ZOEY
I guess it’s the blind leading the blind.
ALEX
You’re not thinking about the rehab now, are you?
ZOEY
Well, I was thinking about what funny timing it is. The rent is being raised, I’m not getting laid, and I don’t feel like going back to work right away. As odd as it seems, I sure wouldn’t mind staying somewhere free for a few months.
ALEX
Really? So you want to do it? We could do it together. Because tell you the truth, I didn’t want to stay there all by myself. If I had you there, it would be like a-
ZOEY
Buffer?
ALEX
Yeah.
ZOEY
As much as you annoy me, I do feel more comfortable when you’re around. And I know you’d never leave me in a dangerous situation all alone.
ALEX
You know, some of my friends say I’m crazy for continuing to live with you after we broke up, but I don’t regret a second we spent together in this place.
ZOEY
Me neither. Except when you leave your clothes strewn all over the house, forget to take out the trash, and eat all my food. Besides those things, I think you’re going to make some woman very happy some day. Just not me.
ALEX
So, remember we have to go through a screening process to get in?
ZOEY
Who do we have to talk to?
CUT TO:
INT. OTR. JOE BUKOWSKI’S OFFICE. JOE IS ABOUT 30, VERY NEATLY DRESSED AT HIS DESK. HE’S ON THE PHONE TO HIS FIANCE. ZOEY AND ALEX ARE SITTING IN THE CHAIRS LABELLED INTAKE.
JOE BUKOWSKI
Not the brown curtain, the grey ones. I told you to order the desk straight from Ikea. Yes, but the refridge doesn’t match the rest of the kitchen, baby. If you want the condo to look like shit do whatever you like. I’m just telling you………(He notices Zoey and Alex and gives them the “one minute” signal.) You are not the one who majored in interior design. And by the way putting the lava lamp on the mantel piece throws off the whole feng shui of the house……(shrugs) What are we, in junior high? Well if that’s what you want to do, be my guest! Just don’t be surprised if some of the guests that come to our housewarming party may not be coming back for the baby shower! (He finally looks up at Zoey and Alex again.) Sweetie, I gotta go! I’ve got clients! BYE! (Slams down phone) (To Zoey and Alex) Why did I ever marry a hippy chick?
ZOEY
Are you the intake counselor?
JOE BUKOWSKI
Yup- that’s me. Joe Bukowski, CEO of Over the Rainbow treatment facility. How can I help you?
ZOEY
We’ve been having some problems with um, substance abuse.
ALEX
Yeah, we’re all about the drugs, know what I mean? And alcohol, yeah, we’re alcoholics actually, and we used to be sexaholics, like we used to do it all the time.
ZOEY
(As if she’s attracted to Joe) But we don’t any more.
ALEX
No. Now it’s all about the drugs.
ZOEY
Yeah, we just can’t seem to stop.
ALEX
It’s out of control! If we don’t get help it might get really bad.
JOEY BUKOWSKI
Wait, so you both do drugs together? And You used to be in a relationship but now you’re not?
ZOEY
Yeah, USED TO BE. But we’re still friends. Kind of.
JOEY BUKOWSKI
So let me understand this, neither of you get tempted while under the influence to revert to your former sexual patterns? (Phone rings, he picks it up) Not right now. (Slams it down.)
ALEX
Well, I’m a sexoholic but I’m also celibate, which isn’t really by choice.
ZOEY
See, cause I just want the drugs. I can care less about you know, (whispers) doing it.
JOEY BUKOWSKI
(Drawing the shades) You guys both need help. Is this the first time you’ve actually sought help?
ZOEY
We were in denial.
JOEY BUKOWSKI
Well watch out because anger is next. But we have the resources for you to help with that. (Hands them each a clipboard.) Fill these out immediately. You folks fit the program perfectly for our center. I am gonia get you the help you need- you both need to be moved in and admitted right away. Do you need help with transportation? The last I slacked on this kind of case we had an overdose. That is not what I need right now. Luckily he didn’t die, but new horizons treatment center got him instead of us. So,....anyways, do you all have jobs?
ZOEY
To be honest, my condition is so bad, I lost my job, my home-
ALEX
And I’m unfit to substitute for study hall in summer school!
JOEY BUKOWSKI
What a cruel situation you both are in. We at over the rainbow are here for you. Just remember, there’s no place like home. (Clicks his ruby red shoes.) Now say it with me, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home. Close your eyes!
ZOEY, ALEX, AND JOEY
(With eyes closed.) There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home!
JOEY BUKOWSKI
Louder now.
ZOEY, ALEX, AND JOEY
There’s no place like home.
JOEY BUKOWSKI
Stop- you are home. Go down the hall and meet with “DADDY,” or the head counselor, Dr.Sean Marrs. He’s going to be in room 101. Straight down the hall- now go! (They get up to exit.) Follow the yellow brick road!
ZOEY AND ALEX SKIP DOWN THE HALL SAYING “FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD.” INT. COUNSELOR SEAN MARR’S OFFICE. SEAN, A 50 SOMETHING YEAR OLD MAN, HAS AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR STRAPPED AROUND HIS NECK AND IS SINGING THE SONG ‘TO LOVE SERVE AND REMEMBER.’
DR. SEAN MARRS
(Eyes closed, singing.) Why have you come to earth? Do you remember? Why have you chosen birth? Why have you come? To love, serve, and remember………..(Zoey and Alex knock on the door. He lets them in.) Hello, and welcome. (They come in) Please close the door. (He strums a chord) We here at over the rainbow aren’t like everybody else- we are the underdog, the rebel, the unemployed, drug addict- but I don’t believe in labels. I believe that everybody is a star, and we are here to create new possibilities. (Strums another chord.) Every ten seconds is a new opportunity to create a life for yourself. You shall be like a lotus flower rising out of the mud, a phoenix from the ashes. But when I get done with you, you won’t even be able to contain your joy. (Strums a different chord.) You may be a pathetic excuse for a human being right now, but son, daughter, I’m here to show you how to turn your shit into sugar. (Strums) Are you ready to move in? (They nod in agreement.) Halleluliah, it’s a miracle!
INT. OTR WOMEN’S DORM. LACEY, A COUNSELOR, IS SHOWING ZOEY HER ROOM. THERE ARE 2 BUNK BEDS IN THE ROOM.
ZOEY
Oh, I don’t get my own room?
LACEY
This isn’t the Four Seasons.
ZOEY
I just don’t know if I will be able to store all my stuff in here. I mean where is there room?
LACEY
Oh, don’t worry- we have a basement for storage, but you’ll have to wait till the end of the program to get your stuff back. You just hold on to your toothbrush and clothes, a few essentials. We also have to confiscate any materials that we deem a detriment to your healing process.
ZOEY
What do you mean, like a screening process? You plan to go through my stuff?
LACEY
Zoey, when you signed your intake contract for over the rainbow, you gave absolute authority to the experienced staff here. Would you like to renege on your word and go back to the life you were living before you got here? (Zoey looks back blankly.)
CUT TO:
INT. OTR. MEN’S DORM ROOM. JOE IS SHOWING ALEX HIS SPACE.
JOEY BUKOWSKI
Alex, you are going to be sharing your space with 4 other men. Now I know it’s not easy to share your personal space. But we are going to keep you very busy with activities and meetings, not to mention, you appear to be an able bodied individual. So we are going to put you to work at our charity workshop. You are going to be hauling in refrigerators, televisions, microwave ovens, and other useful appliances that we sell at our thrift shop to earn funds for the worthwhile cause of keeping OTR running. This will be your way of giving back because one thing we all learn living in sobriety is that nothing comes for free.
ALEX
Well do I at least get to play in the band? I consider music to be my real work and my way of giving back to the world.
JOEY BUKOWSKI
First we are starting with the basics! You need to rebuild your life before focusing on your hobbies.
ALEX
It’s not just a hobby, it’s much more then that. It’s an integral part of my lifestyle.
JOEY BUKOWSKI
After you’ve earned your stripes and proven you’re in it for the long run, I MIGHT set up a meeting with the musical director.
WE SEE ALEX’S FACE WITH AN UPSET FROWN.
CUT TO:
EXT. OTR COURTYARD. ZOEY AND ALEX ARE TALKING AT A TABLE.
ZOEY
Alex, you didn’t tell me they were going to confiscate my belongings and that I was going to have to live with 2 other girls.
ALEX
Big deal. Two other girls? Well I have to share my room with four other guys. Sometimes in life you have to make sacrifices. Hey, At least we’re getting free room and board.
Joey pops his head in through the door.
JOEY BUKOWSKI
Guys, we are having a meeting in five minutes. Attendance is Mando as in manditory. it will be in the emerald room. DON’T BE LATE!!
INT. OTR EMERALD MEETING ROOM. OTR THERE IS A GROUP SEATED IN CHAIRS IN A CIRCLE, INTRODUCING THEMSELVES.
ARON
Hi, my name is Aron and I’m an alcoholic!
THE WHOLE GROUP
HI ARON!
THERESE
Hello my name is Therese and I’m an alcoholic and A heroin addict.
THE WHOLE GROUP
Hi Tanya!
BRIAN
Hi my name is Brian, I’m a recovering alcoholic and I have been clean and sober for nine months.
THE WHOLE GROUP
Way to go, whoop whoop, etc.
BRIAN
(Holds up a nine month sober chip.) Yup, she’s my baby! Get it, nine months?
Ronny is in his mid 40’s, has a moustache, hawaian shirt with chest hair popping out and a silver medallion necklace.
RONNY
I have been clean and sober for one year but discovered that I have recently become addicted to sex. Funny, I was an alcoholic and for 20 years I just couldn’t give it up. Now that I’m all sobered up, all the honeys want to do me, and I just can’t say no.
The group slowly claps.
DR. SEAN MARRS
Guys, we need to focus on saving the stories for after the introductions. I really appreciate your sharing but from now on refrain from doing that until the end. Is that O.K.?
Ron nods.
DR. SEAN MARRS (CONT’D)
And now, I would like to introduce our new residents, Alex and Zoey. Zoey why don’t you precede?
ZOEY
OK! (Pause) My name is Zoey.... and I like drugs! I like em too much, in fact I love them. (Looks around.) In fact, I really need your help. I also like chocolate a lot. And alcohol.
THE WHOLE GROUP
Oh hi Zoey!
ARON
Kahlua must be a really hard for you to kick, I’d imagine- the kind with chocolate. I had a cousin who used to always drink white russians.
DR. SEAN MARRS
Aron, it’s very important to adhere to twelve step- no cross dialogue. (Aron does a ‘namaste’ pose and mouths sorry. The doctor points to Alex.)
ALEX
My name is Alex, and I have a problem with pills. And sniffing things, like.....glue, and drinking a lot, and shooting up....I think. (Awkward silence.)
THE WHOLE GROUP
Hi Alex!
SANDRA
My name is Sandra, I’m an alcoholic. I’ve been clean and sober 3 months. Thank you.
ARON
Way to go! (Dr. Marrs shoots him a look.)
THE WHOLE GROUP
Hi Sandra!
JOHNNY CHICKEN
Hi my name is Johnny and I’m an alcoholic- but it’s all good.
THE WHOLE GROUP
Hi Johnny.
DR. SEAN MARRS
Thank you everyone for your introductions. NOW it’s time to share our stories.
ARON
Aron- (Noticing a plastic cactus plant.) I just wanted to say that fake plants really disturb me. I like to look at things that are still alive.
DR. SEAN MARRS
So Aron, if you brought in a real plant would you be willing to be responsible for it? To water it and make sure it flourishes?
ARON
Nah dog- TMW- too much work!
The group laughs.
ARON (CONT’D)
Seriously though. I recently saw my ex girlfriend and she actually wasn’t a bitch. Can you believe that?
Group claps.
ARON (CONT’D)
I guess she remembered that she broke it off with me, not the other way around. So she made me feel like a loser, and now that I’m cleaning up she wants to get back together with me. I’m still attracted to her but I don’t know if I want to go down that road.
DR. SEAN MARRS
Just remember Aron, as Eleanor Roosevelt once said, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Even if she was calling you a loser, or thinking that you were a loser, it’s up to you to rise above and transcend other people’s opinions.
ARON
But that’s really hard though. Isn’t it just human to care about what somebody thinks of you?
DR. SEAN MARRS
Aron, nobody said that life is easy. But in your journey of sobriety, you have to learn to listen to the still small voice in your mind and shut out all extraneous influence.
JOHNNY CHICKEN
All my life I’ve been a showboat. All the guys want to be me, all the girls want to do me. It’s a lot of pressure being on top of the heap. Sometimes it can be really lonely. I thought that I could cut my habit cold turkey, but was humbled by the truth. But here at OTR, I have literally found my pot of gold. And it’s right here. (Points to his chest.) Can’t no one can take that from me.
The group claps.
DR. SEAN MARRS
Beautiful, Johnny, simply beautiful. At OTR we’ve got all kinds of people. But the more I work here, the more I find that most people have similar challenges.
JOHNNY’S DOG BARKS. JOHNNY PUTS HIM ON HIS ARM- THE DOG SURFS IT HIGH AND PROUD.
Sandra looks flirtatiously at Alex.
INT. OTR REC ROOM
JOE BUKOWSKI IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A BOARD THAT SAYS ‘ANGER BALL CLASS.’
JOEY BUKOWSKI
Today we are going to work on not taking things so personally. What happens if I throw something at you that you don’t want? (He throws a Nerf ball at Brian. Brian catches the ball.)
BRIAN
You throw it back?
JOEY BUKOWSKI
That’s what most people do. When somebody throws anger in your direction, it is typical for you to want to throw it back and then they throw it back to you, and you throw it back to them and the cycle keeps going, going , and going.
ARON
(Standing up) I want to break that FUCKIN CYCLE.
JOEY BUKOWSKI
Good Aron. Well let’s talk about some other ways to handle it when someone throws anger in your direction. Instead of reacting to it, you can use some alternative methods. You can just drop the ball and walk away or you can transform that ball into loving light. (Throwing the anger ball at Johnny) Hey Johnny, your hair looks like crap today. You look like a bird that fell out of a nest.
JOHNNY CHICKEN
You know Dr. Sean, you’ve really been an excellent teacher to me. I just want to thank you for helping me manage my personal demons.
JOEY BUKOWSKI
Good job Johnny. I don’t really think your hair looks shitty by the way! (Leaning towards him) Actually, it’s pretty fuckin’ dope. But in everyday life we don’t anticipate anger being thrown our way. Therefore you have to look at life as a game about love and suffering. When someone throws you anger, they are throwing you a ball of their suffering and trying to project it onto you.
THERESE
But sometimes it feels right to just tell someone to fuck off. Otherwise you might internalize the anger and get ass cancer or some such shit.
JOEY BUKOWSKI
Remember we are here for a purpose beyond ourselves. It’s for the greater good, like becoming a parent.
ZOEY
Funny you mention that. I feel like I’ve been put on this planet to parent myself, not to have kids- I feel like I haven’t been given the proper tools and that can take so much out of me. I don’t have energy left over for parenting a child.
JOEY BUKOWSKI
(With an angry look, barks at Zoey.) You, Zoey Levine, are spritually bankrupt!
He storms out, everybody gasps.
SHOT OF ZOEY SHRUGGING, AS IF WHAT DID I DO?
CUT TO:
INT. DR. BUKOWSKI’S OFFICE. HE IS LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF HIS HIM AND HIS FIANCEE. HE IS HYPERVENTILATING.
JOEY BUKOWSKI
(To himself) Did I make a mistake?
CUT TO:
INT. OTR REC ROOM ZOEY IS IN SHOCK, HOLDING THE ANGER BALL. DR. SEAN MARRS POPS IN.
DR. SEAN MARRS
How is it going guys? Where’s Joey?
ARON
He abandoned us, Dr Daddy! Not too cool. Guess he couldn’t take Zoey’s comment too well.
DR. SEAN MARRS
We teachers are not infallible. We have to beware of our own issues. Class is dismissed. But please write in your journals to find a creative way to express your feelings right now. You may be asked to share in class tomorrow!
CUT TO:
INT. JOEY BUKOWSKI’S OFFICE. JOEY IS THROWING DARTS AT A BOARD WITH HIS CHAIR TO THE BACK OF THE DOOR WHEN DR. MARRS WALKS IN. HE DOESN’T HEAR DR. MARRS COME IN AND CONTINUES A PHONE CONVERSATION WITH HIS SISTER. HE’S TALKING ON A GIANT CELL PHONE FROM THE EARLY 80’S.
JOEY BUKOWSKI
I just can’t take these moronic drug addicts, maybe mom was right! Maybe I should have just gotten my masters in business, made some serious cash instead of this artistic roach motel bullshit. I feel like a fraud teaching anger management. I mean look at me. I can’t deal with my own anger.
Just remember, emotions are like clouds that pass.
JOEY BUKOWSKI (CONT’D)
(Looks up, surprised.) I will call you later, Sis. Love you. (Hangs up the phone.) You know, you really should knock. I was having a private conversation with my bff, my sister.
DR. SEAN MARRS
Joey, you’ve got to do what is right for yourself. If this isn’t the right career path for you, think about a change. But don’t rush into any decisions that you might regret later. In the mean time, I urge you. Please, please please attend our broken hearts broken plates class. I guarantee you’ll feel better. It helped a lot when my temper went through the roof, maybe it will help you too. After all, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
CUT TO:
INT. OTR MEN’S DORM ROOM
ARON
That was a pretty crazy meeting today huh?
ALEX
That dickhead had no right to go off on Zoey like that. That girl has worked hard for everything she has in her life. She has been a damn good friend to me. In fact, I wish I could give her more.
ANTHONY
Aren’t we supposed to be writing in our journals guys?
They all nod in agreement.
CUT TO:
INT. OTR MEN’S DORM ROOM 20 MINUTES LATER. ALL THE GUYS ARE ON THEIR BEDS, EITHER WRITING IN JOURNALS, AND READING, EXCEPT FOR ARON, WHO IS SNORING LOUDLY. ALEX HAS HIS JOURNAL OUT BUT IS LOOKING UP AT THE CEILING THOUGHTFULLY.
ALEX
Sometimes I wish I could be a better friend to Zoey. She’s been a very good friend to me.(He starts writing.) Give me something to give you , something to show you, something to tell. I think I got a song! (He scribbles down the words quickly.)
Alex pulls out his acoustic guitar and starts lightly strumming. There is a close up shot of Aron blissfully snoring through the music. Then Alex’s phone rings. He doesn’t pick it up. He keeps playing parts of Jeremy Ferrick’s song “give.” There is a message alert on his phone so he listens to it. It is from his former bandmate Jimmy Dice.
JIMMY DICE’S VOICE OVER THE PHONE
What the hell Alex! Where have you been? You’ve missed 2 practices in a row? I went by your house and there’s a for rent sign out in front - have you fallen off the face of the earth? Don’t think think I cant find you just because you’ve moved, douchecake. We gotta gig at the viper next week, you’d better be there.
ALEX
This place sure isn’t paradise but it beats my old life.
CUT TO:
INT. JOEY’S OFFICE
SECURITY CAMERA TELEVISION IN JOEY BUKOWSKI’S ROOM. HE IS WATCHING ALEX WITH HIS CELLPHONE AND STORMS DOWN THE HALL INTO THE MEN’S DORM.
CUT TO:
JOEY BUKOWSKI
Hey you CANNOT be in possession of your cell phone! This is a place for recovery, and I sure as hell hope that wasn’t one of your dealers you were on the phone with!
ALEX
Well I just 2 anger balls thrown at me!
ARON
(As he lays in bed awake) KABLAAM!
JOEY BUKOWSKI
You have GOT to follow the rules or you are out of here.
ALEX
Nobody told me about the cell phone rule!
Joey points to a sign that says “no cell phones allowed in the room.”
CUT TO:
INT. OTR THRIFT STORE. ALEX IS BEING TRAINED IN JOB DUTY BY AN OLD SURFER DUDE NAMED SALTY.
SALTY
You need to get your head out of your ass! This job is VERY important. When you come to work for me, you will be working every SECOND. (Alex sighs.) There’s nice folk allover who donate their furniture to us, see? And there is no time to waste because they might change their mind and we can’t afford that to happen! Here are the keys, lets go! You’re gonna drive!
ALEX
Uh, ok.
Salty gives him the keys. In the old truck, Alex looks intimidated.
SALTY
What, ain’t you ever driven stick before?
ALEX
I’m just out of practice.
SALTY
Practice? What the fuck is there to practice? Put your left foot on the clutch and drive!
We see them driving a truck around the city. The truck is stopping and starting awkwardly.
SALTY’S V.O.
1st gear, then 2nd gear. No you idiot! Man oh man, am I gonia have to take over?
ALEX V.O.
Nah man, I got it. Just relax.
SALTY’S V.O.
Fuckin’ pussy!
CUT TO:
MONTAGE SCENE: WE SEE ALEX AND SALTY LOADING AND UNLOADING FURNITURE INTO THE STORE, AND DRIVING AROUND TOWN. THEY GET BACK AT 7 P.M. AND IT’S DARK.
INT. OTR. WOMEN’S DORM
LACEY
So, zoey. Have you figured out what you need and want to keep with you and what you can give to us for storage?
ZOEY
(Showing her a large suitcase) I want to keep all the stuff that is in here with me.
LACEY
So if that is the stuff you’re keeping with you, I need to look through it.
ZOEY
But-
LACEY
Zoey, there are no secrets here at Over the Rainbow-
Zoey puts her hands over her face in embarrassment.
LACEY (CONT’D)
It won’t take very long to search through your belongings, don’t worry. Everybody here has done this, you aren’t special. Think of it as more of a privilege then a violation of privacy. (She pulls out a vibrator.) Oh, Zoey. You’re not going to be needing this! I’m going to have to keep it for you- (She examines the vibrator almost seeming to insinuate that she may use it.)
ZOEY
Not my rocket pocket! That’s my natural dopamine enhancer! If I don’t get off I’ll really experience some serious withdrawal!
LACEY
Come on Zoey! With your rigorous schedule you won’t even have time to masturbate! (Lacey exits.)
THERESE
(Accusatory) You brought a vibrator with you?
RACHEL
Come on Therese, like you’ve never shocked yourself with the stupid stick.
THERESE
I’ve never needed that with all the dick I get!
ZOEY
Oh I get it. You’re one of those girls who’s never experienced the ultimate orgasm!
THERESE
The ultimate orgasm is with a human being, not some battery operated machine. All the men I’ve ever fucked are sex machines. Maybe that’s what you’re missing out on. I mean doesn’t Alex give you any? He is your boyfriend isn’t he?
ZOEY
EX-Boyfriend, thank you very much.
I’m not excluding the men, but this is an 80 mile an hour enhancement! Trust me girl, man or no man, this toy will send shivers down your spine!
THERESE
Oh really?
ZOEY
Yes really.
RACHEL
Remember, Zoey. It’s not like you’re gonia be without your vibrator forever! Maybe I can help you with your sexual frustration!
Tanya crosses her heart catholic style.
CUT TO:
ALEX’S FAMILY’S HOUSE. ALEX’S MOTHER GRACE IS PACING WEARILY. ALEX’S SISTER TOBIE IS THERE TOO. HIS FATHER ROGER IS WATCHING TELEVISION.
GRACE
I haven’t heard from this boy in over a month! I’m about ready to call the police!
ROGER
Grace, would you calm down already? PLEASE calm down. There has got to be an explanation after all our son has got a great head on his shoulders.
ROGER TURNS ON THE TELEVISION. THERE IS A CABLE ACCESS COMMERCIAL FOR OTR WE HEAR ‘THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME,’ SHOWS A SHOT OF ALEX. THEN DR. SEAN MARRS APPEARS ON THE SCENE.
DR. SEAN MARRS
Are you or someone you love addicted to drugs or alcohol? We here at over the rainbow treatment center help you get-
BRIAN
(Popping into the frame dressed like the Scarecrowe.) BACK ON TRACK-
DR. SEAN MARRS
To your journey so that in no time, you’ll be back on that yellow brick road!
Aron is now seen in the frame, dressed up as the Cowardly lion:
But I’ve lost all my courage! What can I do about that?!
BRIAN
My brain is so confused I can’t even hold down a job!
We see footage of Alex lugging furniture.
ROGER
(Sitting up) There he is!
I think we found him, on channel 27!
TOBIE
Turn it up! (Roger turns up the volume.)
Now the whole frame is the commercial. Alex is being shown as the tin man.
ALEX
I’ve been doing drugs for so long I steal from my father and mother-
GRACE
He DOES NOT!
ALEX
And I lost my heart along the way!
ROGER
FAKER!
Zoey is seen as Dorothy.
ZOEY
I’ve been lost for so long but then I found over the rainbow!
The whole group sings “somewhere over the rainbow, I found my family, over the rainbow is the best place, that I could find serenity.”
SEXY FEMALE V.O.
Over the rainbow is more then your regular rehab center. Here at otr we offer daily meetings, one on one counseling, and job training.
Alex is lugging furniture again, then we see him in a construction hat busting rocks with a sledge hammer.
At least they put his lazy ass to work!
SEXY FEMALE V.O. (CONT’D)
We urge you to call immediately. Operators are standing by. Please call 1800-visit-oz. And remember-
THE WHOLE GROUP
There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home!
Closes with alex winking at the camera.
CUT TO:
INT. OTR REC. ROOM. JOHNNY CHICKEN AND THE WHOLE BAND ARE SINGING LOUIE LOUIE. THEN THEY STOP.
JOHNNY CHICKEN
This is fun and all rockin’ out like this! But I have a vision of our band also doing original material we’ve all written. Has anyone written any songs of their own? We are going to be having a showcase in 2 weeks and there will be all kinds of people in the house. We really want to put on a show!
There is a moment of silence.
ZOEY
Alex! Dig up one of your tunes man!
JOHNNY CHICKEN
Boy you didn’t tell me you write! You holdin’ out on me?
EVERYONE
Yeah, alex, what’s up? Etc.
ALEX
I just wrote one right after anger ball class. I was back in my room feeling sorry for myself. Feeling like I didn’t have anything left to give. But then I thought, I do have something- I have the ability to write songs- so I wrote this song, it’s called give.
JOHNNY CHICKEN
Well let’s hear it then boy! Get up on the horse and ride her!
Alex plays the song “give,” written by Jeremy Ferrick and we see people are very touched by it- Johnny starts doing a light drumming pattern on it, Aron on bass, zoey backing up on the chorus. It turns into quite a dramatic number. Alex’s parents and sister walk in watch from the back and at the end of the songs everyone but them is singing all together.
JOHNNY CHICKEN (CONT’D)
Now that’s what I’m talking about- an original classic, right here. You got some talent, boy!
ALEX
Thanks Johnny!
Alex’s parents walk up.
GRACE
He also has a mother who’s worried sick about him!
ALEX
Mom and Dad what are you doing here? (Notices Tobie cowering in the back of the room.) And Tobie?
TOBIE
They made me come. You think I want to be here?
ROGER
You didn’t write, you don’t call, you just disappear off the face of the earth. You don’t think we might be worried about ya son? ....We were just getting ready to call in the national guard or hire a detective to go looking for you. I mean what are you doing living in this halfway house?
ALEX
Listen Dad! It may be a halfway house but it’s the first time I’ve felt whole in a long time. (He goes to hug Grace.) I’m sorry mom. I didn’t mean to abandon you. I just didn’t want to have to explain myself.
GRACE
That’s so silly son! You know we’re always here for you- that song sounded really nice by the way!
ROGER
Alexander, are you really doing drugs?
ALEX
Well dad, I’m in rehab- so I’m not doing drugs right now, at this current moment in time!
ROGER
Well what drugs were you doing before you got in here?
ALEX
Dad, I would rather not talk about that right now.
ROGER
Well would some chinese food change your mind?
Alex has a blissed out expression- he spaces out a minute.
ALEX
Did someone say, chinese food?
INT. LITTLE WING’S RESTAURANT. ALEX IS SURROUNDED BY HIS FAMILY, AND HE’S JUST ABOUT TO BITE INTO AN EGGROLL.
ROGER
Before you bite into that eggroll, I want to know what got you into drugs to begin with. What did we do wrong? I mean what happened to you?
GRACE
(Grabbing Alex’s hand.) I am SO sorry I used to force that Nyquil on you when you had the chest cold as a kid was that where this all started honey?
ROGER
Grace, don’t be ridiculous. So we saw you in your starring role in that infomercial for over the rainbow. Way to go, Scarecrow. Is that your way of breaking into show biz?
ALEX
Well, I’ve had more luck at OTR then in the real world. It’s been really hard for me to balance paying the bills with following my dreams, OK?
ROGER
Welcome to life son! Everybody has dreams! Did you know your mom wanted to be an actress?
GRACE
Well, you squelched that dream out of me, didn’t you Roger? Remember? You didn’t even want me to play Mrs. Bumble in Oliver at Lemon Grove Repertory!
ROGER
Oh, so now I’m the bad guy. Just blame the working class stiff! Nothing ever changes!
ALEX
Mom, dad, everyone just calm down! I’m straight as an arrow- I don’t do drugs, never did. I JUST NEEDED A PLACE TO STAY when I ran low on money!
GRACE
But you could’ve come and stayed with us, honey.
ALEX
Well, dad is always about us pulling ourselves up by our own bootstraps. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone with the fact that I couldn’t make it in the real world. Besides, they have a great band at Over The Rainbow. And I’m in it.
ROGER
OK, let me get this straight. My son is going around masquerading as a junkie so he doesn’t have to work, so he can just play his music all day? I must have really done something wrong in my role as a father to you.
ALEX
Dad, you don’t have to talk about me in the third person. I’m right here.
ROGER
Didn’t I coach you in little league when you were a kid for enough years? And I was even the one who bought you your first guitar. Maybe THAT was a mistake!
ALEX
Not at all dad! I just don’t want to grow old and have my life pass me by! That’s what I felt was happening! Now I feel like I'm really living!
GRACE
But you’re lying to the people who are housing you. What kind of integrity is that? You need to come clean with them. It’s the right thing to do.
ALEX
Look dad. You know how bad the economy is. Zoey got laid off, the district declined me for summer school- substitute teaching is very competitive these days! We couldn’t afford the rent anymore and living with you guys isn’t even an option for me! I don’t want to put you or myself through that!
GRACE
So staying at a rehab center is better then staying with us?
ALEX
I’m meeting all kinds of people my age, and making music. It’s better then college.
ROGER
But you’re hanging out with a bunch of scrapes!
GRACE
Alex, the quality of friends that you surround yourself with is very important!
ALEX
And that’s what I have. I’m meeting some of the most amazing people that I’ve ever encountered. These people come from serious traumas and have very inspiring stories!
GRACE
Well son, you’re too old for us to tell you what to do but I think that living a lie could come back to haunt you on a deeply karmic level!
ROGER
And my offer still stands! If you still want to join the family business, work some construction for the rest of the summer, you could end up with some serious dough in your pocket! (Puts his arm around Alex’s shoulder.) You can start all over and do whatever you want to do.
ALEX
Dad, that is a fine offer. But it’s an offer I have to turn down for now. Mom, I will come clean in due time with the OTR staff. But I must do it in my own way. It’s not necessary to let them know immediately.
GRACE
Just so you know son, I disagree with your decision but I love you anyway and I’ll always be here for you.
ROGER
We gotta get going. Let us know if you change your mind!
EXT. REHAB CENTER COURTYARD. ZOEY IS READING A BOOK AND ALEX COMES OUTSIDE. SHE LOOKS UP. ALEX IS HOLDING A CONSTRUCTION WORKER HELMET.
ZOEY
So how did it go with your parents?
ALEX
You know. The two old birds can’t keep their beaks out of my business.
ZOEY
I guess that’s the bonus I have, that my parents aren’t involved in my life. But at the same time I envy that you have a mom and dad who care enough to come and find you. No one in my family even notices I’m gone.
ALEX
Well, I guess the grass is always greener. (Looks at his watch, puts on his construction hat.)Now I’ve got work to do.
ZOEY
Wow, somebody’s getting assertive! By the way, Alex- I’ve got good news- they asked me to lead a new music group! For the women!
ALEX
Wow, that’s great!
ZOEY
I just feel so conflicted about lying about my past and taking a leadership position at the same time, but this is the kind of thing I’ve always wanted to do.
ALEX
I know what you mean! But sometimes you’ve just got to (makes the ‘quote’ sign) fake it till you make it.
ZOEY
That’s the whole problem. I’m tired of faking the whole damn thing. I mean this kind of music comes from the heart. And right now, my heart feels deceitful.
Brian shows up, walking through the courtyard. He’s drinking amassi.
BRIAN
Zoey, Alex hey what’s up!? You gotta try this stuff.
ALEX
What is it?
BRIAN
WHAT is AMASI? ONLY the best probiotic drink IN THE WORLD!
ALEX
Really?
BRIAN

And guess what? Those little moo moo mamas munchin’ on that alfalfa all damn day ......
ALEX
Alfalfa? (Sarcastic) Sounds delicious!
BRIAN
At least it’s healthy you can tell by it’s name
ZOEY
If it helps with PMS, hook me up!
BRIAN
If you’re serious, I could put an order into my upline distributor?
ZOEY
You fucking drug dealer!
BRIAN
Got to make the money somehow. Can’t sell crack no mo.
(I’m a thug plays in the background.)

BRIAN (CONT’D)
So y’all want to come with me the bootie tree? It’s the best book store in all the land.
ZOEY
I’m feeling down.
BRIAN
You’ve got to go to bootie tree books! They have all the answers.
ZOEY
Do They have answers for charlatans?
BRIAN
Oh yeah! Fakes, frauds, all are welcome at bootie tree books! Wait till you meet my friend Rainwater Johnson! He’s teaching a seminar on uni vibrational cleasning of the auras.
ALEX
Sounds deep.
ZOEY
O.k........
BRIAN
Don’t knock it till you try it. My auras were so weighted down by gunk that Rainwater nearly had a stroke when he was working on me. You both need all the help you can get. OTR may be your foundation for healing but let Rainwater pour his blessing upon you! Tonight!
CUT TO:
INT.
Brian’s Car. A beat up old convertible. Zoey is in the passenger seat, Alex is in the back. He starts up the car and kirtan music plays loudly. Brian joyfully sings along. On red lights a scroll falls from his sun visor and he begins chanting NAM MYOHO REGNGE KYO. When he begins driving he stops chanting and sings along with the music. Zoey and Alex glance at each other.
BRIAN
This car runs on extra virgin olive oil.
ZOEY
Is that why it smells like french bread in here?
BRIAN
Mon Favorite, mon cherie. No seriously kids, no dyno gas in this guzzler.
Then at a stop light there is a dual between Brian and a carload of 6 hip hoppers who are blasting Holla by busta rhymes. He is singing along with his Kirtan, and the driver of the other car keeps bumping “holla.” It turns out that the Kirtan Brian is singing is the same as the harmonizing instrumental in Holla. Brian and Hiphop man admire each other.
BRIAN (CONT’D)
See, our auras are aligned. Two drivers on the same wheel........but in different cars. (They flash each other signs.)

CUT TO
Int
Bootie Tree Bookstore. Brian, Zoey, and Alex are hovered over a stack of books, sitting on a padded bench in the back of the store. We see titles of books like “failing is success.” Zoey is thumbing through a small book called “AMBITCHOUS: How i went from ..... To ...... in five weeks.” Brian is laying down reading a book called “ZERO EFFORT.” Alex is reading “Positive MENtal attitudes- aphorisms for enlightened males.” The Clerk interrupts them.
CLERK
Rainwater is ON in five minutes! You guys better get your asses into the seminar for some craycray enightenment!

Cut to
INT. BOOTIE TREE SEMINAR ROOM
Rainwater is in a trance. He takes a deep breath. CLERK comes and introduces him.
CLERK
I would like to welcome everybody here to the bootie tree seminar annex room. We are lucky and priviledged to have with us tonight, the elevated master, RAINWATER JOHNSON. (Applause.) Rainwater was Ordained as a spiritual leader at the age of TWO MONTHS.
BRIAN
(Whispering to Zoey and Alex) You guys are in for the ride of your life! Don’t worry, you can thank me later.
CLERK
The work of Rainwater will leave you in spirals of ecstasy. If you wish, you may leave a donation in the Jade colored color jar at the back of the room upon completion of this sacred teaching. Now if we may begin, please turn of your electro magenetic frequency devices.
Zoey turns off her phone.
RAINWATER
(To the crowd.) I’m going to be doing what some call my algorithm of aura gazing. (His eyes grow wide, and he looks up slowly scanning everybody in his presence, making eye contact. He stops and concentrates on Zoey.) BOP! Bupop! ZZZZZZZing. (He rolls his head three times.) I’m sensing some real WOW energy. Have you had your paradigm turned upside down in the past week?
ZOEY
What the hell are you looking at?
RAINWATER
A beautiful divine soul. (A beat.) Thank you so very much for gracing us all with your presence.
ZOEY
(Shrugs shoulders) Some seem to think i’m a pretty big deal.
RAINWATER
But.........(breathes heavily as if having tremendous visions) Tormented.......you are, my sweet......No?
ZOEY
Not really.
RAINWATER
(Skips to Brian.) You, sir, are a very evolved soul. I’m seeing possible past lifetimes......(with eyes closed) Lhasa, tibet. You love the mountains, don’t you.
BRIAN
Wow, you really have the gift. You must be channeling the divine at this very moment!
RAINWATER
Precisely my son. You have come back for a larger purpose then you know. (He grabs his face, cupping each cheek with a hand, pulling it in a clockwise motion.) But we must purify your auras so that your radiance shines through.
BRIAN
(As his face is being pulled back and forth.)Oh Rainwater I feel it, I feel my Aura becoming.....
RAINWATER
Turquoise?
BRIAN
Yeah!
RAINWATER
(Turning to Alex) You cannot live in a swamp of lies (he clasps his forehead with his hand) Your THIRD EYE is CRYING! (He gets down on his hands and knees and begins swaying back and forth profusely.) No, noooo lord shiva please save my son! From these chains of Shame! Rainwater cannot! Will not! Allow this to go on any longer.
ALEX
(He looks in shock, reflects on what’s being said. Rainwater’s words “chains of shame”, “swamp of lies” reverberate in his brain like an echo looping over and over again. There is a montage of many of Alex’s moments that have happened throughout this story that expose his fakeness to himself- for instance, spitwad on his forehead at school, the dating show, applying to OTR, OTR meetings, recovery programs, and footage from the commmercial all blur together like a pschadelic montage over a droning indian music.
RAINWATER
This cannot go on any longer! Living a life of integrity transcends any and all dreams.
Rainwater continues to scan the room, talking to others, etc. There is music over it, etc.
INT. BRIAN’S CAR
BRIAN
So how’d you guys like Rainwater? Didn’t I tell you he was amazing?
ZOEY
No comment. Can we just go get a cheeseburger or something?
BRIAN
After all of that healing and detoxing of our energies you just want to go junk it all up again with a cheeseburger?
ZOEY
You don’t really believe in all of that bogus hocus pocus, do you?
ALEX
Look I gotta come clean. Brian, me and Zoey aren’t really -
ZOEY
ALEX! Screw your head on straight! Come back down to earth Alex!
ALEX
Zoey, i’m sick of living a lie.
BRIAN
You’re getting past the denial stage, it seems.
ALEX
Yeah, rainwater poured into my soul. Whether he’s hocus pocus or not, he inspired me to see where I’ve relied too heavily on -
BRIAN
DRUGS?
ZOEY
Yeah! Drugs!
ALEX
No, NOT drugs. That’s the whole point.
BRIAN
It’s deeper then the crank, the bump, (points to his nose.) The ANGEL DUST! The weed.
They pull up to OTR to park.
BRIAN (CONT’D)
Didn’t I tell you that going to the Bootie tree was just what the doctor ordered?
ZOEY
Gotta be weary of the quacks.
BRIAN
Hey Guys! I gotta go in and help clean up! And I need to get some of the last of the broccolli! Let’s catch up later! (He dissapears inside.)
Zoey and Alex get out of the car and are slowing walking toward the center.
ZOEY
What the hell Alex? Are you ready to blow our cover so easily? This isn’t just about you.
ALEX
So you’re pissed at me because I’m tired of living a lie?
ZOEY
This whole thing was your bloody idea. We gave up that apartment, I sacrificed my whole life for the music opportunities I saw here.
ALEX
What sacrifice? You got laid off from your job, the rents were increasing- you had nothing to lose!

ALEX (CONT’D)
What would Rainwater do?
ZOEY
Fuck rainwater! He’s probably just some trust fund asshole from Beverly Hills who can afford to go around and STARE at people all day.
ALEX
How do you know Zoey?....Some of what he said made sense!
ZOEY
Stop being so trusting and naive. If you want to go out on a limb do it by yourself! I’m staying here, Alex. Even if I have to develop a genuine drug habit- this is my home now!
ALEX
So you really love it here now. It’s some kind of fuckin’ disneyland to you isn’t it? A real holiday inn!
ZOEY
It’s the first time I’ve felt any sense of belonging since duck duck goose in Mrs. Constantine’s class.
ALEX
Back when you were like nine?
ZOEY
No, more like five.
ALEX
But you didn’t have to constantly lie about your existence.
ZOEY
That’s exactly where I learned to lie. Everything I need to know I learned in kindergarden.
ALEX
God Zoey, why are you so jaded?
ZOEY
Why am I so jaded? Well let me see? (As if counting on her fingers) The economy sucks. Maybe your family cares about where you are, but mine doesn’t give a shit about me, I have all these dreams but none of them-
ALEX
Come true? We all have dreams Zoey. Just they don’t come true doesn’t mean they weren’t important.
ZOEY

Well I don’t need you fucking it up Alex! Just because all of the sudden you’ve been smitten with some kind of moral virus. Purity is a luxury we can’t afford right now.
ALEX
We also can’t afford to keep fucking around with this idea that Was mine, but that I’m now admitting was wrong. How come you never admit when you’re wrong?
ZOEY
So what now? You think we should just head out? ....Don’t tell me this is all inspired by that fraud.
Dr. Marrs jumps out of the bushes. He’s coughing from having just smoked a joint.
ALEX
What are you doing here?
DR. SEAN MARRS
Wait! Don’t jump to conclusions about me! I’m no fraud!
ZOEY
We weren’t talking about you doctor!
DR. SEAN MARRS
I mean I only have a puff here and there, a snort in the morning to get me going.....
ALEX
Really? What else?
DR. SEAN MARRS
I like my white russians before I climb into bed, and some company with an occasional call girl- but that’s only in Nevada- I like to do things legally.
ZOEY
Gross!
DR. SEAN MARRS
It’s all above board, clean as a whistle. My wife’s even in on it. Sometimes she even accompanies me-
ZOEY
Too much information!
DR. SEAN MARRS
So it sounds to me like you guys might have a little secret to keep too!
ALEX
True.
DR. SEAN MARRS
(Looks at his watch.) Can we talk about this later? I have a class to teach.

CUT TO:
INT. OTR REC ROOM THERE IS A SIGN THAT SAYS, “INTEGRITY 101 STARTS AT 8 O’CLOCK.” THERE ARE ABOUT 20 PEOPLE IN CHAIRS FILLING OUT THE ROOM. DR. SEAN COMES IN AND MAKES HIS WAY TO THE WHITEBOARD.
DR. SEAN MARRS
Guys, guys, sorry I’m late. Something came up.
ARON
Yeah, but we’re not supposed to be late. How come it’s O.K. for you Dr. Sean?
DR. SEAN MARRS
It’s not O.K. Aron, it’s not O.K. That’s why I’m apologizing!
ARON
Alright just don’t let it happen again Dr. Sean. (They high five.)
DR. SEAN MARRS
What does integrity mean to you? (Dave Raises his hand) David?
DAVID
Keeping your word.
DR. SEAN MARRS
That’s good King David, anyone else? (Reuben raises his hand.) Rockin’ Reuben?
ROCKIN’ RUBEN
I mean, I think most of the time when I’m driving a cab I’m pretty honest. But -One time , this old couple misunderstood me, and thought they owed me 50 bucks more then they actually did.
ALEX
Maybe it was a tip!
ROCKIN’ RUBEN
I tried to convince myself of that. But when I dropped them off at the mission on Los Angeles St., I knew better.
DR. SEAN MARRS
So how did that make you feel?

ROCKIN’ RUBEN
Well at first I was fine with it. I figured, they gave me the money, they seemed O.K. With it. Why should I feel guilty?
DR. SEAN MARRS
How long have you been beating yourself over this?
ROCKIN’ RUBEN
(Shrugs his shoulders) This kind of stuff happens all the time when you’re a cabby, believe me. I just kind of figured, you know, while we were on the subject......
DR. SEAN MARRS
Well you must still be thinking of it so maybe it’s still bothering you?
ROCKIN’ RUBEN
It comes up . Every once and a while, I’m taking a break, sipping my coffee.
DR. SEAN MARRS
We all have demons Ruben! I may be hiding things, you may be hiding things. But the bottom line is....
BRIAN
Well I was reading a book at the Bootie Tree, and it said to NEVER LIE. Rainwater would agree with me on this, right ALEX? You shouldn’t keep secrets! (Alex reluctantly nods.)
ZOEY
I agree with Brian. Secrets are bad.

ROCKIN’ RUBEN
I mean, I think most of the time when I’m driving a cab I’m pretty honest. But -
JOHNNY CHICKEN
Remember that time you were to takin’ me to the airport and you took the long way around?
DR. SEAN MARRS
Hey Guys no cross talk
ROCKIN’ RUBEN
That was an accident Johnny! I didn’t know the area that well back then- sometimes it’s hard to figure out the right thing to do- and remember I didn’t charge you the full fare!
ZOEY
What about when you find out about other people doing something wrong but you don’t want to tattle on them?
DR. SEAN MARRS
If it’s going to hurt others, or affect the stability of the community, you have to selectively-
ZOEY
LIE?
DR. SEAN MARRS
I would never condone lying. But it’s important to consider the whole picture.
BRIAN
I see what you’re saying! Maintain the peace!
DR. SEAN MARRS
We’re talking about our own personal honesty, not becoming an integrity police task force.
BRIAN
Starts in the heart, ey Marrs?
DR. SEAN MARRS
Yeah Brian. Starts in the heart. It’s really important to be able to live with whatever decisions you make.
At this point, Joey comes through the door.
JOEY BUKOWSKI
Dad, I gotta go. Here’s the key’s to my office. Hire someone else?
DR. SEAN MARRS
What? What’s the matter Joey?
JOEY BUKOWSKI
I can’t do this anymore.
BRIAN
Come on Joey you’ve been saying this crap all year. Shit or get off the pot!
JOEY BUKOWSKI
I’m getting off the pot. (To Sean) And you need to get off the pot too! (He pulls out a sack of weed.) You need to be held accountable! (Everybody gasps.)
ARON
Dr. Sean, is this your idea of integrity?
DR. SEAN MARRS
I think we better continue this meeting-
JOHNNY CHICKEN
OH NO. Is that your idea of accountability?
JOEY BUKOWSKI
And by the way, our accountant told me we’re practically bankrupt. I’m not going to enable your duplicitous behavior any more.
DR. SEAN MARRS
I can’t believe you’re coming in here and crucifying me like this! I built this place from nothing.
JOEY BUKOWSKI
Nothing? This place has been built on money laundering, extortion, drug trafficing, and gambling rackets.
DR. SEAN MARRS
What about the hundreds of addicts who have successfully overcome their addiction from the assistance of this place?
JOEY BUKOWSKI
That’s a load of shit, you know it. And it’s no excuse.
ALEX
(To Dr. Sean) So you’re a drug dealer?!
ARON
Damn I’m impressed! You fooled me! You really know how to run a business Dr. Sean!
JOHNNY CHICKEN
Yeah, run it into the ground.
DR. SEAN MARRS
What are you talking about? I haven’t run anything into the ground.
JOHNNY CHICKEN
If I can’t believe in what you tell me, and you’ve been my moral compass ever since I moved out to this here golden state, now I’m really fuckin’ lost.
We hear police sirens. Two cops come through the door.
COP 1
You’re under arrest DR. Marrs.
DR. SEAN MARRS
But I’m teaching my integrity class- Do you mind if I just wrap up?
COP 2
Nah, we’re bringing you down to the station. (Handcuffs him) You have a right to remain silent-
ARON
This is better then a movie! Anybody got popcorn?
JOEY BUKOWSKI
Shut the fuck up, Aron. (Joey Leaves.)
COP 1
Everybody has 24 hours to leave this building- it’s being shut down.
JOHNNY CHICKEN
What the fuck is going on! Where’s everybody going to go?
COP 2
That’s your problem not ours son. (They haul Dr. Marrs off.)
THERESE
I can’t believe they arrested Dr. Sean!
JOHNNY CHICKEN
Man I need a drink.
DAVID
Liquor store’s right around the corner! I haven’t had vodka in 6 months!
BRIAN
What are you guys doing? It’s like the inmates are running the asylum! Have you all gone crazy?
JOHNNY CHICKEN
Don’t you get it Brian? The inmates have been running the asylum. Fuck this clean and sober shit! I’m gonna be who I am! Johnny Chicken, and I’m PROUD to be an alcoholic!
CUT TO:
INT. OTR THE NEXT DAY. THERE ARE BEER AND WINE BOTTLES STREWN ALL OVER THE PLACE. THE “TENANTS” ARE STILL HANGING AROUND.
ALEX
(To Zoey) Time to blow this joint, Zoey. I’m gonia go pack. It was fun while it lasted.
ZOEY
Well where you gonna go?
ALEX
Maybe move back in with the folks?
ZOEY
Oh, you can’t do that Alex.
ALEX
Well I’m not staying here. You can squat here till they kick you out, I’m taking off.
ZOEY
How convenient for you- you can just go back to your parents. What the hell am I gonna do-
ALEX
Zoey I can’t leave you. You’re like part of me now- like, an appendage.
ZOEY
Are you getting soft on me now?
ALEX
Soft isn’t the right term for me right now. I am feelin’ a bit-
ZOEY
Shut up and kiss me! (They kiss- then OTR erupts in applause.)
BRIAN
I was wondering when you guys were gonia do something like that!
ARON
Took you long enough.
ZOEY
The attraction was gone, then it flew back like a pidgeon carrying a bag of crack.
ALEX
Hey I need a fix. (They kiss again, everyone is hootin’ and hollerin.’)
DAVID
At least you guys have each other. I’m afraid of being on my own all over again.
ZOEY
You want to room with us?
ALEX
Oh, we’re living together again?
ZOEY
How else can we pay the bills?
ALEX
True dat.
DAVID
Hell yeah.
ALEX
Will you be able to stay clean?
DAVID
All I ever did was a little pot anyways. And I’m kind of over of it- makes me paranoid.
ALEX
Time for us all to get jobs again.
DAVID
Shouldn’t be so hard for me. I used to be a videographer on this t.v. show, they’ve been calling offering me a job for the last two months.
ZOEY
What was it called?
DAVID
Problems.
ALEX
(looking at Zoey) No way!
ZOEY
We auditioned for that!
DAVID
Really? Did you get on it?
ALEX
They haven’t called us back yet.
DAVID
How long ago was that?
ZOEY
Like.... Three months now.
DAVID
Well, it usually takes around that long. These things don’t happen immediately. Let me put in a call to a friend of mine down there. You guys would be perfect for that show.
JOHNNY CHICKEN
Hey guys my mom has this property, maybe if we offer to fix it up we can all stay there!
ROCKIN’ RUBEN
How many rooms does it have? I sure could use a place to hang my head, and park my cab!
JOHNNY CHICKEN
It’s a 6 bedroom house! She ain’t using it.
BRIAN
Is there a back yard where we can plant a garden?
JOHNNY CHICKEN
It’s a sizable yard, and right on the beach in Venice! If 6 of us paid 400 a month, my mama woould be plenty happy with that- 2400 dollars.
ARON
That’s a good deal in Venice! Can I be in on it too?
JOHNNY CHICKEN
Uhh,.....(thinks a minute.) Sure, why not?....Guys, I gotta tell you. In the basement, 2 years ago, I built a studio there. And it’s still there. Untouched. Unused and waiting for just the right band to rock it the FUCK OUT.
ZOEY
(Kissing Johnny on the cheek) That sounds like a blast Johnny!
Everyone is whoopin’ and hollerin.’
CUT TO:
EXT. JOHNNY CHICKEN’S MOM’S HOUSE ON THE BEACH. ROCKIN REUBEN IS GOING TO GET THE MAIL. HE PULLS OUT A LARGE ENVELOPE FROM THE MAILBOX THAT SAYS PROBLEMS ON IT. HIS EYES WIDEN.
ROCKIN’ RUBEN
Zoey! Alex! Your envelope has arrived!
INT. JOHNNY CHICKEN’S MOM’S HOUSE- ZOEY AND ALEX ARE PLAYING CHESS ON THE COUCH IN THE LIVING ROOM.
ZOEY
Check mate!
ALEX
You Bitch! Wanna play again?
Rockin’ Reuben comes running inside, waving the mail.
ROCKIN’ RUBEN
Isn’t this what you guys have been waiting for?
ZOEY AND ALEX
Problems! (Zoey grabs it, then Alex tries to grab it from her.)
ALEX
I want to see!
ZOEY
Relax tough guy! I’m the one who beat you in chess.
ALEX
Alright. Open it up.
Zoey opens up the envelope and reads it to herself. She looks dejected.
ALEX (CONT’D)
Fuck we didn’t get it did we?
ZOEY
No.(A beat.) But.....
ALEX
But what?
ZOEY
They want to make a reality show about us! And not just about me and Alex, but this whole household!
DAVID
That’s big money!
ALEX
NO FUCKING WAY!
ZOEY
It says they’re going to comp our rent, plus give us a weekly per diem for miscellaneous expenses!
ALEX
NO FUCKING WAY!
ZOEY
YES FUCKING WAY!
ALEX
And just when my unemployment was coming to an end!
CUT TO:
INT.
Johnny Chicken’s mom’s house. This time it’s showing the whole house with everybody being filmed for a reality show- there’s cameras, lights, a crew. Johnny is tossing dough up in the kitchen for pizza, Brian is picking herbs in the garden, Zoey is setting the table, Dave is working one of the cameras, Alex is vacuuming, Aron is playing guitar on the couch.
Rockin Reuben comes in the door.
ROCKIN’ RUBEN
I brought the beer! (Everyone looks up) Don’t worry, it’s nonalcoholic! (He points at a label that states this.)
BRIAN
(Voice from outside) Wait till you guys see these herbs.
CAMERA OPERATOR
No drugs allowed on set!
ZOEY
It’s like Oregano man, for the pizza.
CAMERA OPERATOR
Oh, I see.
The next scene is everybody eating at the table, being filmed by a reality show crew.
JOHNNY CHICKEN
Man, I’ve been listening to these recordings we made-it sounds pretty great!
ALEX
We gotta put that shit out on itunes!
JOHNNY CHICKEN
And Spotify!
ZOEY
I would like to make a nonalcoholic toast. Everybody raise their glasses. (Everyone raises their glasses.) To staying clean sober, and rockin our way to success.
ALEX
ON OUR TERMS.
JOHNNY CHICKEN
Can I get an Amen!
EVERYONE
AMEN!
The closing scene is a montage of The reality show being filmed over a lively rcck song. The credits are shown over this last part. The scenes include the band rockin in the basement, some mock arguments, humorous situations, someone plunging the toilet, etc.