COLOR ME CRAZY, BUT I’VE GOT A QUESTION: WHY DO PEOPLE GO INTO BOOKSTORES AND OTHER QUIET PLACES SEEMINGLY SPECIFICALLY TO TALK ON THEIR CELL PHONES? IT’S AS IF THEY WERE DRIVING DOWN THE STREET AND THEIR PHONE RINGS.
“Hey darling, I’m going to call you back in a minute.I Need to go find the nearest quietest coffee shop so i can go in there and have a deeply personal conversation with you.” And then they always sit by ME! And it’s always when i’m trying to write my comedy bits- So that’s my excuse for not having enough material!
SO, since this is my first time doing comedy, it’s kind of like my first day on the job. Like when you’re working in a restaurant and you spill wine on a lady’s dress. You’re like, get over it, woman. This is my first day! I didn’t know how easy it would be to spill wine all over you!
Or you accidently give someone something they’re allergic to. You see them being carried out on a stretcher? Oh yeah, you don’t like peanuts? I remember you saying something about that but it’s my first day- how was i supposed to know!
SOR-RY!
Speaking of ambulances, that’s something i don’t want to drive for a living. I know myself well enough to to know that i don’t want to be an EMT. I mean you’ve got to do mouth to mouth cpr on a perfect stranger? No thanks. I was taking this physical therapy class and I’d get freaked out that i was going to catch germs from a mannequin. I’m just NOT going to blow into somebody’s mouth as part of my job description, unless it’s for jessica alba, megan fox, or maybe (to a hot girl) you.
So, anyways, sometimes i wish i was a thief but my morals always get in the way. My parents raised me with too much integrity i guess. All that 10 commandments stuff, do unto others, yada yada yada.Sometimes When i walk into a supermarket at 2 in the morning, that ice cream is just asking me to grab it and run without paying for it. At walgreens i have to beg them to take my money. I bring my products or whatever i’m buying up to the front of the counter and no body is even there! Usually i gotta wake up the security guard just to get a cashier. Then that’s a whole dick dance. He yawns, rolls his eyes, acts like i frickin interrupted his dreams. He gets on the loudspeaker ‘i need a cashier at aisle 6. Cashier at aisle 6!’ Then a minute or two later some guy who looks like he just slept on somebody’s couch struts in. That gonna be all for you? You have a nice day. Sometimes if i’m feeling ballsy i say ‘next time i’m stealing it.’ I mean these cats ain’t making commission on their sales anyways! But alas, i always thing of my darling mother crying over the time her son got caught stealing a journey cassette in 1984. So i don’t do it.
So, i pride myself on being frugal. I mean, i was raised in a blue collar household. Not much money around- i’ve had to learn to buckle down and save just to afford the basics in life. But what is the point? I just go a speeding ticket. I had to pay 300 dollars. What’s the point of saving a buck
here and there when some cops waiting to bust you for going ten miles over the speeding limit?
Roommmates
I had a roommate once. Before i lived with him i thought he was just great! I thought he was one of the coolest guys in the world! All smiles and handshakes! Let’s just say that now we no longer talk. You know how at first when you’re a roommate with someone and you’re trying to be all polite? You’re like, is it ok if i stick my can opener on the counter? I’m just going to hang my towel on that rack, is that ok? You’re creeping around, walking on eggshells, trying to be a good roommate. Trying not to get laid to much, avoiding loud lovers. Then it happens! You’ve got that last piece of pizza you saved in the fridge. You’ve been waiting all day to get home from work so that you can gnaw on that piece of pizza like the little rat bastard you are. And lo and behold, you open up the fridge and it’s gone! The war is on! You start forgetting to hang up your towels! You don’t say why. (Goddamn pizza eater!) You just can’t bring yourself to clean up your mess in the kitchen so then you can get in a nice angry fight when it’s brought up. That’s why I love living alone. Living with people sucks! I think even if i get married i won’t live with my wife. Maybe she can get a house down the street, but she ain’t moving in with me, no no no no.
One time i had this roommate he was really cool at first. Then he got a night shift job. We split a studio apartment so you could imagine it was a bit hectic. He’d be crashed out on the floor and i couldn’t make any noise if i was there. Then at night he’d ask me for a ride because of course he didn’t have a car. Then When i wanted to move out he gave me a guilt trip about that.
Pros to the u.s. Becoming a 3rd world nation.
You can cook your pets and eat them if you aren’t vegetarian. Hot cat on a stick. maybe make some dog jerky. What? You can eat a cow but you can’t eat a dog? What are cows? Chopped liver? You know in india cows roam the streets unobstructed. Here they’re so opressed while everybody sticks up for dogs and cats just because they’re cute. WELL WHAT ABOUT COWS? THEY’RE CUTE TOO!
Another thing cool about living in a third world country- you can walk out of kmart with a t.v. If they try to bust you just say you didn’t know about the law.
So my brother told me that salvation army got a 1.5 Billion dollar donation from the former owner of mcdonalds, ray croc’s wife. so i was in marin county the other day and i decided to shop with all the slackers. It looked pretty damn fancy for a thrift store! We’re talking the Saks 5th avenue of thrift stores! It didn’t smell like it though. And they had some interesting employees. This one guy was talking really loud. kind of sounded like he had been on electrical shock treatment for a few days.”You Forgot to put a tag on these shorts.” I heard him ordering people around, kind of made me wonder if there was some kind of affirmative action for people with special difficulties. Like when you call about your student loans, instead of directing you to a call center in india, maybe they can just employ the local group home. They’re like, “you shut up and listen to me- i hang up on you- stupid!”